Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.