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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”