This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”![]()
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.