Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.