This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist