This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean