This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
🙄😏😂🤣
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.