This is not me but this is me
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
i meant to share this earlier
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.