This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Sign of the day..
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence