This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle