this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….