this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I put the I in Insufferable.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.