this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims ππ
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
βAreβ¦ are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?β
βOf course, why do you ask?β
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when theyβre getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird