this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
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I call it my jingle bell rock.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes