This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian