This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.