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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I feel seen
sensitive skin
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”