This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me trying to look natural in photos
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.