This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool