Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

is nasa ok