This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Not today
