This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.