Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Morning.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

The dark side of Canada

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.