This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.