This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.