This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
You Might Also Like
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Same pineapple, same
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
you could not pay me to delete this app
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson