This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
a public service announcement
