You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer