This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible