“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
iPhone X
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.