Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

sigh

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises