“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Do not levitate over flowers
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Software Development ⛵️
me after eating Cheetos
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
You know…for fall…
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.