This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.