Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Europe. Made in Germany.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*