This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Yes my dude
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Overindulged this afternoon.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.