Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣