Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

🤣🤣💀

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?