Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.