Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..