This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.