Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

this is how life feels

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.