this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic