this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Geez man, take it easy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.