this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I feel seen
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin