this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
sign of the times 🖊
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
War & Peace
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”