this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
ok this is my dumbest yet
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.