This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.