this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Get off my horse you stupid moon
