this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
could’ve been anyone
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.