Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip