This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
incredible text to wake up to
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.