This is painfully accurate 😅
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.