This is painfully accurate 😅
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Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.