This is painfully accurate 😅
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
🤣😂
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.