This is painfully accurate 😅
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant