Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

I love you…

…r dog.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge