This is painfully accurate 😅
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I can fix him.
uncle dave has been through hell
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
For real 🤣
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.