This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
A man of commitment.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.