This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
