This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I love texting my boyfriend
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me