“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.