Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

No regrets in 2018

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.