This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
channeling her this year
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”