This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
🥴😂
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction