I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm