Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
getting groceries
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.