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@markydoodoo

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@LynneMcCarthy

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest

@ArfMeasures

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

@squirrel74wkgn

People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.

@BareChesty

If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.

@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@skanetos

You: Wth is wrong with you?
Me: I learned to dance during the 80’s..