I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
mechanics be like
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*