Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds