Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

i want it utterly assaulted.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

Ron is short for Aaronald

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

This one’s “Alex”.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”