This is sending me to another galaxy
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Feel. He’s so soft.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
This anagram machine is out of order.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.