This is sending me to another galaxy
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.